My 30th Birthday Present is a Blog
When I thought of turning 30, I always imagined a stable job—maybe not yet stable, but a job—along with a wife. A girlfriend was more realistic, I suppose. And a life that is far from my hometown.
This was actually my reality two years ago. I was overseas. In a long-distance relationship. Working at an intergovernmental organisation while making more than four times the minimum wage here. A nice apartment, a job I was proud of, and a life that, from where I was standing, seemed to be going in the right direction. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, but it was good enough that I could imagine the next few years without having to think too hard whether this 30K IDR ($1.70) coffee was going to ruin my financial tomorrow or not.
I broke up with my ex last year. The marriage we planned for early this year was cancelled. And the job I was proud of was no longer mine. I went through loads of interviews that ended with 'thank you', and no 'see you' yet. Still better than the goodbye my ex said to me.
Nevertheless, I am here. In my hometown, positive, and confident that I am secure. Skills that I learned, savings that I earned, all the things I bought during my employment tenure that ended up on Facebook Marketplace—everything is securing my future, at least until the end of 2026.
With all this free time between job applications, I wanted to write more, photograph more, play music, and learn skills I hadn't developed. Five years ago, I bought a piano, learned a bit, and sold it because I needed money for my relocation. A year later, during my master's, I tried WordPress. I bought two years of hosting and a domain, only to post two poems despite having written hundreds. I don't have the courage to post the rest—I told myself. The truth is, I didn't have the energy to log into WordPress, click this, and then this, and then that, and reload, and okay, why is the page broken now? Why is it so slow? Oh, I need to do this, that, and that. That is the reason why WordPress is so daunting to me.
When I first moved overseas, I didn't touch my site at all. But I stumbled onto this strange, minimalist site. Words, words, only words. A website so simple I couldn't help but read. I assumed this website was easy to maintain; it only had words, though—no animation, no complicated header, footer, or anything—and it looked great. But I had no time to write; my workload filled every hour, then one day it just stopped, and so did I.
Three months ago, I decided to write essays. I chose to publish them on Substack and Medium. I enjoyed the process, but whenever I hit publish, I never felt that my writing belonged on either platform. I was writing personal stories that had nothing to do with optimisation, improvement, productivity, healing, learning, finding self, or all the stuff that drives people's attention. That was never my goal, though, but I couldn't help but feel alienated by these platforms. I couldn't connect.
So, I tried to look back for that minimalist website. I forgot the name, but I knew it was a micro-blog or something. Until I found Bear Blog instead. I read the docs, the manifesto, and decided to sign up. I edited my theme, set up the navigation page that is not yet finished, wrote a bio several times, and... to my surprise, when clicking 'upgrade', I was welcomed with a message supporting Purchasing Power Parity (PPP). It even had a lifetime option, and I could get it for half price? I was sold.
Except, my savings wouldn't let me spend $104.50 (tax included) without destroying my finances this year. Come on, I don't need that upgrade, Bear Blog is free. Except I'd already bought a custom domain for my email, one I'd planned to use for my freelance photography business. And wouldn't it be cool to use it for the site? That's when I couldn't stop staring at the upgrade button. Except—third one, I know—am I getting pulled back into all-or-nothing thinking? I could do one month first. Upgrade to lifetime later, once I've saved enough.
I was at my Mum's house after the photoshoot. We were sitting side by side; she was watching a soap opera on the TV, and my eyes weren't complaining about seeing this horrible acting and out-of-nowhere ad placements. We talked, though. We talked a lot. About our family, about my supposed family that became a what-if, other what-ifs, the job market, politics, the politics that caused this dire job market, and the inevitable future of me turning 30 next month.
Our eyes met when she asked me, 'What do you want to do next?'
'Writing,' I said. I told her that I had written hundreds of poems that I've never published. I write essays, and I want to write more. I told her photography has been helping me a lot financially, but writing has always been the thing I love the most. I write in my journal, and it is not enough. I want to be heard, to be read. I need a home for my writing so that someone can witness it. And a website is that home.
She asked, 'Do you need money for it?'
I... I was silent.
I looked away from her, my eyes now on the actor on the TV trying to kiss the woman, and I looked back at her, saying, 'Yes.'
She goes, 'How much money? Let me pay it for you.'
While smiling, I could feel that my eyes were on the edge of crying. One blink... and god damn it, I cannot cry here, get a grip, you 30-year-old man... I turned my face away. What a life.
'Buy it as a gift. For my 30th birthday next month,' I said to her.
Birthday presents are not a thing in our family; I believe it is the same for most Indonesians, especially my generation. For this one, I wanted to be a part of this worldwide tradition, even at this age. So, laugh your ass off, but my Mum is going to buy me a website subscription for a birthday present.
No job, no girlfriend, just Mum on sofa, the soap opera still playing while her eyes on me. She witnessed it.
P.S. I am writing this a month before my birthday, and during that time, the money that was supposed to pay for the lifetime subscription has been used to kick-start my photo booth business. Hence, I decided to sign up for one month instead, and I'll bite on the lifetime plan after accumulating enough revenue.